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Chapter 1

Today’s Top Ten

Hello, my name is Robert, and I have a problem. Actually, today I had lots of problems. I usually make a “Top Ten” list, but today I had to throw in a couple of bonus ones.

I woke up this morning, and it was raining. This created two problems. First, Mom made me wear my geeky galoshes over my shoes. Second, we had inside recess—no basketball. Problem number three was Janine, my ten-year-old little sister. She’s usually my number one problem. She follows me everywhere and butts in on all my conversations with my friends.

This morning, my friend Mel dropped her pencil bag on the bus. When I picked it up and gave it back to her, Janine popped over the seat behind me singing, “Robert and Melanie sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” I gave her my “I’m going to kill you when we get home” look and she shut up, but not before she made disgusting lip smackers loud enough for the entire bus to hear. There have been times I’ve wished I was an only child. Today was one of those times.

My problem list rounded out by forgetting to do my math homework, getting stuck-up Constance Snodgrass for my science partner, eating veggie burgers for lunch, receiving a lecture from Mrs. Peterson about passing notes, and finally, getting a ponytail slap from Janine in the afternoon bus line because I refused to carry her backpack home. It’s pink and weighs a ton. I think she carries everything she owns in it. While Janine pitched a royal fit, Coach Hawkins walked by.

“Robert,” he said, “why don’t you be a gentleman and help out your little sister?” If it had been anyone but Coach, I’d have had a million excuses, but basketball tryouts for the 6th grade team were coming up, so instead I just swallowed hard.

“Yes sir, Coach,” I said. “I was just going to do that.” I gave Janine a shove after Coach turned away, picked up her stinky old backpack, and carried it to the bus. That brought my list up to eight things that had already gone wrong today.

I dumped Janine’s backpack into the first seat and high-tailed it to the back of the bus. I slouched low so she wouldn’t follow me. As the bus rumbled out of the parking lot, I heard the clink clink of something rolling toward my seat. It’s amazing the kind of junk that litters the back of a bus. I reached down and scooped up a green glass bottle right before it hit my foot. When I shook it up, the bottle glowed like a fireworks display. I turned it over and read the label:

Madame Gorgonzola’s Effervescent Elixir! Good for what ails you: Reduces severe headache pain, debilitating toothache pain, agonizing back pain, cramping leg pain and irritating little sister pain.

I certainly had a big headache. I opened the bottle, releasing a soothing peppermint smell, and rubbed some on my forehead, just like the directions said. Closing my eyes, I leaned back in my seat, thinking this had been the best moment of my day. Something tugged on my arm. Without warning, my headache got worse.

“Whatchya got there, Robert?” Janine’s shrill voice pierced my eardrums. “Give me some!” she demanded.

Before I could stop her, Janine yanked the bottle from my hand and, like a thirsty camel, guzzled down all of Madame Gorgonzola’s Effervescent Elixir.

“Hey!” I wrestled the bottle back from her grimy little hands. “Are you crazy? You don’t know what’s in there! Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you not to grab?”

“That’s pretty good,” Janine continued, oblivious to my reprimand, “got any more?”

“No! Beat it!” I must’ve looked furious, because the smile faded from her face, and Janine scooted back to her seat at the front of the bus without another word. I looked at the bottle. It seemed harmless, but it would serve her right if she got a horrible stomachache. Stuffing it into my backpack, I laid my head against the seat again. Instantly, I was whiplashed into the seat in front of me as the driver slammed on the brakes. We were home.

“Move it, sister.” I scowled at Janine, who blocked the bus doorway.

She shook her head violently and pointed to Mademoiselle Bella, the neighbor’s hyperactive Labrador who was loose out front, racing around in circles.

“Robert, Bella’s going to attack me,” Janine said. Her eyes were wide, and she was shaking.

Bella wasn’t a bad dog, really. But Janine had so many key chains dangling from her stupid backpack that Bella took it as a personal invitation to play fetch. She usually knocked Janine down trying to retrieve one of the mini-balls hanging from the zipper pull. Janine wasn’t afraid of much, but she hated it when Bella took a bite out of her backpack.

Although I didn’t sympathize with her, I really wanted out of the bus, so I scooped up the wretched bag and carried it up the walk. Bella made a beeline for me as soon as she saw the bangles flash. Janine raced ahead and made it through the front door unscathed. Bella managed to grab one string of beads before I pulled the bag through the front door.

“Robert!” Janine yelled when she saw the damage. “I’m telling Mom.”

“Mom, we’re home!” I yelled. I scowled at Janine, dropped her precious cargo on the hall rug, and headed straight to the sanctuary of my room. Two hours later, I still lay on my bed with my headphones on. When I cranked the volume up loud, they drowned out the sounds of family life. Suddenly, the sound went dead. I looked up. My frowning mom twirled the headphone cord she’d just unplugged.

“Robert, I’ve been calling you for five minutes!” She dropped the wire, put her hands on her hips, and glared at me. I stared back at her for a second until she threw up her hands and said, “Dinner’s ready.”

“Sorry, Mom. I didn’t hear you,” I said, but she had already left the room. I hurried down the hall and into the kitchen. Janine smirked at me as I took my seat.

“Robert, how many times do I have to tell you?” Mom wasn’t expecting an answer. She was lecturing. “Dinner is at 6:00. Try to make an effort to get into the kitchen so I don’t have to call Search and Rescue to find you.”

“Sorry, Mom.” I tried to sound apologetic. She wasn’t so bad, just stressed. Anyone who had to put up with Janine would be stressed. Combine that with the fact that my dad had split two years back, and she’s had it tough. I try not to give her too much grief, but she’d gone overboard with this “The Family Will Have Dinner Together Every Night” program. I know she got it from the single parenting class at the community center because she never used to worry about dinner. I think she doesn’t want us to be all screwed up just because Dad skipped out.

Dinner was the usual quick fix chicken and potatoes, something green, and some fruit. Mom isn’t a gourmet cook, but she tries to be balanced.

“Janine, don’t slouch,” Mom nagged.

“I’m not slouching,” Janine said, but Mom had already moved on to other things.

“Robert, I have to work an extra shift at the hospital tonight, so you’ll have to watch Janine,” she said.

“Yeah, whatever,” I mumbled pushing the green stuff around on my plate. What was it anyway? Green beans? Peas? Creamed spinach? Janine proceeded to drone on about every insignificant detail of her day. My head had started to droop into the mashed potatoes when Mom’s voice roused me.

“Okay, sweeties, Mrs. Mumphrey is home next door if you need anything. I’ve got to run.” She gave us both a peck on the head and was out the door.

“Looks like it’s just you and me, Robert.” Janine smiled sweetly. “Are you going to play chess with me?”

“Not a chance.” Janine was a demon at chess. I could never figure out how she’d gotten to be so good, but she could beat me every time I played her. I looked up from my almost empty plate. “And quit slouching!”

“I am not slouching!” Janine leaned over the table to yell back at me.

“Then you must be shrinking.” I laughed. Shrinking? I choked on my last gulp of milk, and it sputtered through my nose.

“Eww, Robert!” Janine shrieked. “Milk snot! Disgusting!”

I peered at her from across the table.

Her nose barely cleared the edge of her plate. She was definitely shorter than yesterday.

“Stop staring at me, Robert,” Janine said, putting her hands on her hips. “You’re giving me the creeps!” She shuddered as if she had a chill.

She couldn’t possibly be shrinking. I rubbed my eyes and stared at her some more. Goosebumps started to form on my own arms and the hair began to stand on end. Why was Janine shrinking? It didn’t make any sense. Must be some type of optical illusion.

“Earth to Robert,” Janine said. She tapped my head with her finger.

“What?” I said as I swatted her hand away. She was as irritating as a gnat.

“Where’d you get that fizzy stuff you had on the bus today? It was a million times better than those no-name sodas Mom always buys. What’d you say it was called?”

“Madame Gor…” I stopped in midsentence. “Never mind what it was called. I don’t have any more.” I stared at her again. Could this have anything to do with that stuff in the bottle? “No way.”

“No way, what?”

“What?” I looked at Janine. Why wouldn’t she leave me alone? I needed to think.

“You just said, ‘no way,’” Janine answered.

“Did not,” I said.

“Did too.”

“Whatever,” I said.

“So, no way, what?” Janine asked, stomping her foot.

“No way I’m going to ever get my homework done because I got in trouble with Mrs. Peterson today and —”

Janine cut me off. “Oh, you’ve got punish work. I’m telling Mom.”

I let her think she was right. After all, I did get into trouble for passing notes. A little negotiation here would give me the time I needed to find out if I was crazy or Janine was really shrinking. I had to go find that bottle. “Look, Janine. It’s going to take me all night to do this. Would you please not tell Mom?”

“What’s in it for me?

“I’ll let you borrow my MP3 player.”

“How long can I have it?” She leaned forward in her negotiating stance.

“You can have it until tomorrow morning, but you have to clean up the kitchen too.”

Janine thought about it for a little while. “Okay, deal. But you have to do my bathroom duty tomorrow, and I’m not cleaning up that!” She snorted and pointed to the milk mucous I’d left all over the table.

“Okay,” I said. It was gross after all, bubbly and white, oozing across the plastic placemat. I carefully surrounded it with a bunch of napkins so I wouldn’t have to touch it.

“You know,” Janine gloated over me while she picked up the plates, “when Mom finds out about this, you’ll probably get into trouble all over again.”

I watched her load the dishwasher. Using my thumb and forefinger, I tried to measure her from my seat. She was definitely smaller than this morning, and I had no rational explanation for it. This was turning into a major problem.

“Probably,” I whispered.

Chapter 2

The Effervescent Elixir Company

I hurried into my room and dug my backpack out. I unzipped it and rifled through the contents. Yesterday’s lunch, not too moldy yet. Science test, C-. Social studies book, can’t forget to do my homework again. Permission slip for basketball tryouts, very important. Where was that bottle? Finally, I dumped everything out onto the floor. The bottle landed on top of the pile and rolled under the bed.

I got down on my stomach and stuck my arm in as far as it would go. The bottle’s cap was at the tips of my fingers, but I couldn’t get hold of it. It seemed to want to stay hidden under the bed. An old boot was lying under a pile of bubble gum wrappers, so I grabbed it and gave the bottle a push. It emerged from the bed, rolling for the closet. I wrapped my fingers around it before it entered that black hole.

I bounced down on my unmade bed and examined the bottle more closely. Beneath the Effervescent Elixir label was a whole paragraph written in very small print. Tiny, minute print. I couldn’t even read it. I needed a magnifying glass, so I snuck into Mom’s bedroom and swiped her reading glasses. Back in my sanctuary, I felt foolish squinting through her spectacles, but at least no one could see me. The paragraph said:

The person in possession of this bottle assumes all responsibility for the use of its contents. The Effervescent Elixir Company cannot be held liable for any mishaps occurring from the failure to read and follow all instructions exactly. If you are reading this information, the Effervescent Elixir Company assumes you have failed to use our product in the intended manner. The Effervescent Elixir Company continues to assume no responsibility for your stupidity. However, it is imperative you call our Consumer Safety Hotline immediately. Call 243-373-4357 (CHEESE-HELP). Why are you still reading this? Pick up the phone and call us now! You are wasting precious time!

The fine print continued, but I didn’t read any more. I jumped up to get the phone, tripped over my backpack pile, and bruised my knee. Kicking the straps off my feet, I hobbled over to my phone and punched in the numbers. This was crazy! It couldn’t even be a real phone number. But it was ringing.

“Hello. Welcome to the Effervescent Elixir Consumer Safety Hotline,” a cheery voice answered. “This is Brie speaking. How may I help you?”

“Hi, my sister drank some of your elixir and . . .”

She cut me off in mid-sentence. “Which elixir did she ingest, sir?” she asked in that sweet voice teachers use when they think you’re an idiot.

“Madame Gorgonzola’s . . .”

She cut me off again. “I’m sorry sir. You will have to speak to someone in the Reductions Department. May I put you on hold?”

Without waiting for an answer, she plugged me into that awful “Wait on the Phone” music. The only thing was, I couldn’t understand anything. The lyrics were in another language. How’d I get into this situation anyway? How could Janine be shrinking? Why was I talking to people with names like cheeses? What had I done to deserve any of this?

“Mr. Havarti speaking,” a smooth voice interrupted the music. “Would you please state your problem?”

“My sister drank a bottle of your elixir.”

“Which elixir, sir?” he asked with a sigh.

“How many do you have?”

“Twenty-three in all. But we are retiring Madame Asiago’s at the end of the year.”

“It was Madame Gorgonzola’s.”

“A whole bottle of Madame Gorgonzola’s?” He coughed through the phone.

“Yeah, pretty much the whole bottle. I tried to stop her but—”

“Excuse me, but I need to refer you to our ‘Major Problem’ department. I am not authorized to handle your situation. Please hold.” I was stuck with the music again. This was ridiculous. Janine was ruining my night. If she wasn’t such a pest to begin with, I wouldn’t be wasting my time on hold with this crazy company.

“Hello. Thank you for holding. This is Mrs. Reggianito. How may I help you?” I could tell by her no-nonsense tone that this lady had some power. Maybe I’d finally get somewhere with her.

“I’ve tried to explain this twice already,” I shouted into the phone. “Janine drank your elixir and now she’s shrinking!”

“There’s no need to get upset Mr. . . What did you say your name was?” she asked, none too politely.

“Robert.”

“Mr. Robert, I need a few more pieces of information, and we’ll have you fixed up in a jiffy. Of course, the Effervescent Elixir Company solves these problems as a customer courtesy. We are in no way claiming responsibility for your misuse of our product.”

“I didn’t misuse your product. Janine did!”

“How old is Janine, Mr. Robert?”

“Ten.”

“If you read Section II, Paragraph IV of our disclaimer, you will notice that any sisters under the age of twelve are not liable for their actions. Our company holds you responsible for all reckless acts committed by your little sister.”

“Figures,” I moaned.

“Now, at what time did Janine drink the elixir?”

“On the bus this afternoon, about 3:30, I think.”

“Accuracy is important if we are going to help you, Mr. Robert.”

“Then 3:35.” I made that up. I didn’t see how the exact time she drank the stuff had anything to do with fixing our problem.

“Good. How much did she ingest?”

“The whole bottle, I already told the other guy that.” How many times was I going to have to repeat the same story?

“Yes, I understand. But was the bottle completely full?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, that changes things. Are you sure it had not been opened before she drank it?” She grilled me as if she was a police detective. I didn’t see how this was going to help the situation at all.

“Well, I had rubbed some on my temples.” I remembered that had been the best moment of my miserable day.

“Thank you for that little detail, Mr. Robert. Without it, I would have needed to transfer you to our ‘Hopeless Cases’ department.” She paused. “As it is, I think I can help you. However, this is a very serious case of Elixir Abuse. I must warn you that reversing the effects of the elixir will not be easy. Are you prepared to do what is necessary to return Janine to her proper stature, Mr. Robert?”

“Yeah, I think so. Look, we have to get this done before Mom gets home. She’ll be back in eight hours.”

“You are correct, Mr. Robert. Time is of the essence. I have set up an appointment for you with Madame Gorgonzola at 8:13 p.m. Please do not be late. Goodbye, and thank you for calling the Effervescent Elixir Company.”

She hung up.

This Mrs. Reggi-whoever was out of her mind. I couldn’t leave the house at 8:13. I was babysitting. 8:13? That was in three minutes. Mom wasn’t going to like it, but Janine would have to fend for herself. She was perfectly capable. I probably was going to get into trouble, but there was no way I was taking Janine with me.

I had no idea where the Effervescent Elixir Company was. I looked at the clock—8:12. She said not to be late. I picked up the bottle and searched the label for an address. Blazing letters appeared through the glass. They said:

Look inside.

I raised the bottle to the light and brought it close to my eye. It looked like a green kaleidoscope, and it felt like a wind tunnel. This was definitely not normal. The sound of rushing air was so loud I felt like I’d somehow gotten between two freight trains. My heart pounded as I tried to wrap my feet around the chair legs, but before I could latch onto anything, the vortex sucked me in, headfirst. I felt like icing squeezing through one of those cake decorator tips.

I tumbled to a halt in front of a tall, green glass building. It was surrounded by other skyscrapers, all made of the same weird shade of glass. The wind stopped, and I felt my head, arms, and legs to make sure I’d made it through in one piece. Everything seemed okay, and I took a deep breath. I looked at my watch—8:13. I needed to hurry, so I raced up the steps and burst through the doors marked:

Effervescent Elixir Company
M. Gorgonzola, C.E.O.